急求搞笑的英语话剧剧本星期天有话剧选拔.最好有搞笑的英语话剧剧本,

急求搞笑的英语话剧剧本星期天有话剧选拔.最好有搞笑的英语话剧剧本,
急求搞笑的英语话剧剧本
星期天有话剧选拔.最好有搞笑的英语话剧剧本,

急求搞笑的英语话剧剧本星期天有话剧选拔.最好有搞笑的英语话剧剧本,
荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本
旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
Action I
太子丹（上,掏出镜子梳头,做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）
太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么,人才!这句话要跟观众交流,最好由观众来回答,然后拍阿三肩膀,做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?
阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes.
Action II
（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）
荆轲
Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁
Yes.
荆轲
OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.
李莫愁
Are you challenging me?
荆轲
Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意
李莫愁
Come on!
音乐起
两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊,哪有不挨刀啊,一刀砍死你啊,两刀砍死你啊.”
李莫愁倒地
荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? （赢一个人需要理由么,不需要么,需要么?）
李莫愁：Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right.
荆轲再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you?
太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?
荆柯：Sure!
太子丹：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?
太子丹晕倒
荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?
荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸,上面写着：
To be or not to be, that's a question.
阿三：Hero,we need your help.
荆柯：I am busy now!
太子丹：You can get a lot of money.
荆柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三(手指上场的美女,激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
观众甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.
荆柯（激动）：Slimming tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.
阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧?难道你真的想要吗……
（《No matter》音乐起,荆轲先与阿三跳探戈,拥入怀中,又甩出去,阿三做呕吐状.然后荆轲与太子丹跳伦巴,最后太子丹摆一个女性化的造型,向后弯腰并抬其中一条腿,荆轲做调戏状.）
荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.
太子丹与阿三（撞胯,击掌）Yeah!
Action Ш
（《大话西游》主题曲响起）
荆珂挽着妻子,太子丹,阿三在后.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂：Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends
太子丹：I will miss you, baby.
（太子丹,阿三下.停顿.《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起,荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose在船头的经典造型,忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过,向荆轲抛媚眼,并抛下定情手绢.荆轲高兴的盯着美女看,妻子发觉不对,扭过头来.）
荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you more. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你,选自《飘》)
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.
荆珂（欲走还留,执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时,Jack对Rose的倾诉）.
妻子:"I promise."
荆轲:"Never let go. “
妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."
（荆轲的发音和jack很像,所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词.）
妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪,
荆珂上船,渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……
妻子(掏出手机拨号,阿三接手机)： Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.
阿三：Okay okay!
旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.
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大话西游的……
Once,I let a true love slip away before my eyes.Only to find myself regretting when it was too late. Nothing in the world can be as painful as this.Just let your sword cut into my throat! ...

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大话西游的……
Once,I let a true love slip away before my eyes.Only to find myself regretting when it was too late. Nothing in the world can be as painful as this.Just let your sword cut into my throat! Don’t hesitate. If the god would give me another chance. I would tell the girl I love her. If our love had to have a time limit., I wish it would be 10,000 years!
曾经有一份真挚的感情放在我的面前,但我却没有去珍惜,如果上天再给 我一次机会,我一定会对她说,我爱你,如果非要给这爱加上一个期限的话 ,那就是一万年...
大话西游 A Chinese Odyssey
至尊宝：长夜漫漫无心睡眠，我以为只有我睡不着觉，原来晶晶姑娘你也睡不着啊！
It's long night,no mood to sleep,I thought I'm the only one ,But Jingjing,you're sleepless ,too!
白晶晶：你把胡子剃光干什么？你知不知道你少了胡子一点性格都没有了？
Why you shave off your beard?You're just another guy without beard!
白晶晶：唉，文也不行武也不行，你不做山贼，你想做状元啊？省省吧你！改变什么形象，好好地做你山贼这份很有前途的职业去吧！
You can't do anything.Do you want to be a scholar instead of a robber?Please stop changing,being a robber is a good job!
至尊宝：我知道了，我一定会继续努力的!真失败！原来晶晶姑娘喜欢粗犷一面的我！
I know,I'll try my best.So pathetic!Jingjing loves my violent side.
少女：神仙？妖怪？谢谢!哎！我现在郑重宣布，这座山所有的东西都是属于我的，包括你在内！
Immortals?Devil?Thank you!Listen to me, all things here belong to me.Include you!
唐僧: 悟空你也太调皮了，我跟你说过叫你不要乱扔东西，你怎么又…你看我还没说完你又把棍子给扔掉了！月光宝盒是宝物，你把他扔掉会污染环境，要是砸到小朋友怎么办？就算砸不到小朋友砸到那些花花草草也是不对的！
Monkey King,you are so naughty!I've told you,you don't listen to me again,YOU threw away your stick.The Pandora's Box is a treasure.You threw that away.It will pollute the enviroment!You will hurt kids! If there are not kids ,you'll hurt plants~.
唐僧：你想要啊？悟空，你要是想要的话你就说话嘛，你不说我怎么知道你想要呢，虽然你很有诚意地看着我，可是你还是要跟我说你想要的。你真的想要吗？那你就拿去吧！你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗？……
Do you like it ?Tell me if you do .I'll give you if you like it ,I won't give you if you don't tell me.I'm pretty sure that I will give you if you like it ,I'm pretty sure that I won't give you if you don't like it.We're reasonble men~.I'll count to 3.Tell me you like it or not......
悟空：大家看到啦？这个家伙没事就长篇大论婆婆妈妈叽叽歪歪，就好象整天有一只苍蝇，嗡……对不起，不是一只，是一堆苍蝇围着你，嗡…嗡…嗡…嗡…飞到你的耳朵里面，救命啊！ 所以呢我就抓住苍蝇挤破它的肚皮把它的肠子扯出来再用它的肠子勒住他的脖子用力一拉，呵－－！整条舌头都伸出来啦！我再手起刀落哗－－！整个世界清净了。现在大家明白，为什么我要杀他!
You know the guy keep nagging all the time.very annoying.Just like a fly !No,not a fly, It's a swarm of flies!Fly into your brain.Help !Help !I'll catch it and tear it's belly open,tear it's intestine out,then put it around it's neck,then pull it .It's tongue comes out,and then I use my blade to cut.Wow~!The world becomes silent.Now you know why i want to eat it up!
唐僧：唉，那个金刚圈尺寸太差，前重后轻左宽右窄，他带上之后很不舒服，整晚失眠，会连累我嘛！他虽然是个猴子，可是你也不能这样对他，官府知道了会说我虐待动物的！说起那个金刚圈，去年我在陈家村认识了一位铁匠，他手工精美、价钱又公道、童叟无欺，干脆我介绍你再定做一个吧！
The size of the Gold Ring didn't suit him.It made him very uneasy.After waering it he couldn't sleep well at night.It's bad to me too.Althought he is a monkey.You still cann't abuse it,I'll be indicated animal abuse if the government knows it.The Gold Ring,I met a ironth at Chan's village last year,let me intruduce you to him and make a new one!
画外音：当时那把剑离我的喉咙只有0.01公分，但是四分之一炷香之后，那把剑的女主人将会彻底地爱上我，因为我决定说一个谎话。虽然本人生平说过无数的谎话，但是这一个我认为是最完美的……
At this time the blade is really close to me 0.01cmI think.But after a short period of time 0.01secind,I think the owner of the sword will fall for me wholeheartedlly.Because I've decided to tell lies .I've told many lies in my life.But I think it is the wonderful lie!
紫霞：你再往前半步我就把你给杀了！
I'll kill you if you come close!
至尊宝：你应该这么做，我也应该死。曾经有一份真诚的爱情放在我面前，我没有珍惜，等我失去的时候我才后悔莫及，人世间最痛苦的事莫过于此。你的剑在我的咽喉上割下去吧！不用再犹豫了！如果上天能够给我一个再来一次的机会，我会对那个女孩子说三个字：我爱你。如果非要在这份爱上加上一个期限，我希望是……一万年！
You should kill me !Kill me!I'd found my best love .But i didn't treasure her.I felt regretful after that,It's the ultimate pain in the world!Just cut my throat ,Pleasee don't hesitate!If God can give me a chance.I'll tell her three words:"i love you"!If God wanna give me a time limit.I'll say this love will last 10 thousand years!
唐僧：悟空，你尽管捅死我吧，生又何哀，死又何苦，等你明白了舍生取义，你自然会回来跟我唱这首歌的！
Monkey king,you can kill me!Lifr and death are vry minor,When you know why you should make sacrifices,you will come back and sing this song with me..
青霞：哈哈哈！你居然会相信那个小滑头会回来接你？要是真的话我可得恭喜你了。不过就算他回来他有什么本事把你从牛魔王手上抢回去？
hahaha!You think that bastard will come to pick you up?But even if he comes back ,he can't get you back from the King Bull!
紫霞：上天既然安排他能拔出我的紫青宝剑，他一定是个不平凡的人，错不了！我知道有一天他会在一个万众瞩目的情况下出现，身披金甲圣衣，脚踏七色的云彩来娶我！
It's fate that he can pull my magic sword,He must be an unordinary man.I'm sure .I know he'll come back one day,appera in pubnic, wearing golden armour and stepping on colourful cloud,come to marry me!
至尊宝：在一个月黑风高阴森恐怖的晚上我是至尊宝你是白晶晶，奇妙的爱情就从桥头上这一点火开始的。我才一转身你就突如其来地向我一指，我整个手就着火了。你还要冲过来向我打拚命地打拚命地打拚命地打，不是不是不是这么打，这样这样这样，对了就是这样打的，你看到了吗？以后的发展我可以用一句峰回路转来形容，因为突然之间杀出了一个牛魔王。当时你手拿一条龙骨大战牛魔王之后，还把我抓回了盘丝洞。 所谓光阴似箭，真的一点也不错，因为才一转眼就说到重点了。在断岩顶上就是感情爆发的时候，当时我不顾一切地摸你你也不顾一切地摸我，还立下了永不分离的誓言。 可惜快乐永远是短暂的，换来的只是无穷无尽的痛苦跟长叹，为什么你会死呢？我当时只有利用月光宝盒使时光倒流查出真相，终于被我发现原来你是自杀的！在最后关头我终于能够把你救活！ 可是最后一次时光倒流月光宝盒发生故障我“啾”的一声就回到了五百年前……就这样。
At a pitch-park night,I'm Joker,you're Pak jingjing,fantastic love starts from a fire at the bridge.When I turn back you pointat me with your fingers.Then my hand gets burning,You explain everything,YOU will rush to me and hit me .hit and hit,Yes. can you see it?There are many twists and turns.Suddenly,The king bull comes to us .You fight with him with a black bone.You grabbed me to the main content,On the cliff.we the climax.At what time ,i touch you,you touch me too.Wemake promise that we won't separate.But happiness is always a flash of time.We only have endless pain.Why will you die?So I use the Box to travel back to the past .I discover that you kill yourself.At the last moment I have your life!But at the last time of last timetravel.the Box doesn;t work properly.Igo back to 500 years ago.THat's the story.
紫霞：昨天晚上我托一只蜘蛛来跟你说，让他告诉你我很想念你，你知不知道？
Yesterday night,I told a spider to tell you ,told you I missed you much,Do you know?
至尊宝：你又知不知道？我一直在骗你。
You don't know again? I'm cheating you!
紫霞：骗就骗吧！就象飞蛾一样，明知道会受伤，还是会扑到火上。飞蛾就这么傻！
That's fine.Just like a moth.It flies to fire even if knows it'll get hurt.Moth is so silly.
至尊宝：出来吧！葡萄！
Come out,grape!
菩提：我不是想监视你，我只不过是想研究一下人与人之间的一些微妙的感情。
I don't want to watch you,I just want to study the interesting relationship among humans.
至尊宝：你只是强盗啊大哥，别学人家做学问。
But you 're a robber.don't pretent to be a scholar.
菩提：强盗也有学问。
Even robbor has it's own knowledge.
至尊宝：省省吧，睡啦！
Stop!go to sleep!
菩提：紫霞在你心目中是不是一个惊叹号，还是一个句号，你脑袋里是不是充满了问号……
In your mind.Is Zixia an exclamation mark? OR she's a full stop? Is your mind full of questins mark?
至尊宝：紫霞只不过是一个我认识的人！我以前说过一个谎话骗她，现在只不过心里面有点内疚而已。我越来越讨厌她了！我明天就要结婚了，你想怎么样嘛！
Zixia yis just a girl who i know,Ilied to her in the past.I an just feeling a little bit regretful.I hate her.I'll get marry tomorrow.What do you want ?
菩提：有一天当你发觉你爱上一个你讨厌的人，这段感情才是最要命的！
When you discover that you've fallen in love with a person you hate,this affair is really hurting you.
至尊宝：可是我怎么会爱上一个我讨厌的人呢？请你给我一个理由好不好？拜托！
But how can i fall in love with a person i hate?Please give me a reason!Pleas!
菩提：爱一个人需要理由吗？
Do we need any reason to love a person?
至尊宝：不需要吗？
Don't we?
菩提：需要吗？
Do we ?
至尊宝：不需要吗？
Don't we?
菩提：需要吗？
Do we ?
至尊宝：不需要吗？
Don't we?
菩提：哎，我是跟你研究研究嘛，干嘛那么认真呢？需要吗？
Let me study it for you.Why are you so serious?Do we?
以上……

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